This time

This time, I will be better.

Isn't that what we all say to ourselves, probably far too often? This time?

This time, I will go out walking more often with the pram.
This time, I will meet up with other mummies.
This time, I will try reusable nappies and wipes and be an 'eco-mum'.
This time, I will lose tonnes (almost literally!) of weight and be healthy and skinny and successful and have it all!

This time, breastfeeding will be easy.
This time, it will work.
This time, I will not listen to the many differing opinions on why my boobs are not working!

Because they did work. They really did. They were full to burst before our first was even born. So much so that I felt the pain of blocked ducts several days before her arrival with no baby to suckle and relieve the pressure. We lay in bed, my husband and I, while I cried in pain and he helplessly tried his best to massage my chest and soothe the burning. I rubbed, I massaged, I even punched into submission my giant, swollen breasts. The pain eased a little, but there was still no babe to feed, and so I was doomed from the start. If only I'd known that at the time...

She was 2 days old and I was sat in a doctor's waiting room, a red, puffy, painful mass spreading across my right boob, like the world's worst pins and needles. My poor brother in law had driven me there while their Mother, a brand new Grandmother, babysat and hoped beyond all hope that she didn't need fed while I was out. 'Dr Halitosis' confirmed: Mastitis. The antibiotics would likely make both mother and baby feel sick. My tiny daughter would have stomach cramps and explosive nappies before she was a week old.

Everyone knew exactly what I should do.

• 'You should lie down, preferably in bed. A comfy mum is a happy mum and a happy mum can breastfeed more easily.'
• 'Oh my goodness, they've not got you lying down have they!' That was a laughable concept. I should sit up, in a supported space, preferably a chair with good sturdy arms. Baby would feel more secure and I would have my hands free to ensure a good latch.
• 'Give her water. You only had water for the first 10 days after you were born.' Cooled, boiled water was perfectly fine and would 'kick-start her wee tummy'. When she was hungry, she would feed.
• 'NO! Definitely don't give her water!' Her stomach was only designed to digest breastmilk or first-milk substitute (formula) at the moment. Anything else would make her very ill indeed.
• 'She's dehydrated and needs fluids immediately. Give her a bottle of your expressed milk. Otherwise you'll have to bring her back in to the hospital.'
• 'Don't give a bottle in the first 4 weeks. It will cause nipple confusion and you'll find it harder to breastfeed.'
• 'Pinch your breast and put it into her mouth.'
• 'Don't touch your breast. Any pressure can cause blocked ducts and will affect her latch.'
• 'Use the rugby hold.'
• 'Lie her on a table and lean over her.'
• 'Ask your husband to hold her on you.'
• 'Don't hold her against you.'
• 'Don't force it.'
• 'Relax.'

After 6 weeks of 'expressing' (read 'milking myself like a cow'), we switched to formula. She fed. She slept. She was happy, healthy, gaining weight, and perfectly perfect.

The relief.

The guilt.

Then the bitterness.

So this time, this time, I will do my own research.

This time I will hire my own trained breastfeeding support expert and kindly ask ALL others ('trained' or otherwise) to BUTT OUT.

This time, it will work.

This time, I will be better.

This time.